Past Demons and Ghosts

This last week I realized that I still live with past demons and ghosts. I was going to go shopping for a new sewing machine and other things. My husband was home and he preferred not to go with me. I faced an old ghost of my past. I felt so nervous about me out shopping and my husband at home, I felt I would be get in trouble if I was gone too long. When I get to the store I am feeling very uneasy like I must hurry or I will get it when I get home. This all comes from my first husband. I would be in trouble if he thought it took too long for me to shop for food. I hardly ever shopped except for food. I never went to a store just to browse around. I would pay dearly if I did. I would be so nervous and sick to my stomach if the line at the check out was too long. I knew I would face his anger and abuse. It's been almost 20 years since we were divorced and still I face these ghosts. I told my current husband about it. I don't speak much about the mental and physical abuse I suffered from my ex husband. I try to just to forget about it bury it in my mind.

From time to time the evidence of the abuse shows it ugly head. About 7 years ago I was in an EMT class one of the instructor's was a man that had very similar features as my ex husband. He reminded me so much of my ex that I became nervous around him. At one point he had raised his hand and I flinched as if he was going to hit me. I was so embarrassed and humiliated because of my reaction to a simple movement.

I was ashamed that my first husband would punch and get me one the ground then kick me in the head and torso, he had pulled a gun on me and shot at my feet and told me to dance.

I use to have nightmares about my ex beating me and killing me, I had them often for years after I left him. But with time they have faded and I have them rarely now.